Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Emotional date

4 years ago today I was at the Dr. waiting to find out if I was going to have a girl or a boy.
My good friend Anneke was with and we were both so happy to find out who had bee growing in my womb for the last 23 weeks.
I rember laughing an goofing around with the Tech as he started to put the wand of the sonogram machine on my tiny little belly.
I dont think he thought I was very funny he seemed a little stiff to me.
That did not damper my mood.
I rember oohing an awing every time saw a part of his anatomy I recognized.
Anneke commented on how strong his heartbeat was.
I commented on how beautiful his feet where.
All the while the Tech was busy taking measurements not saying a word.
I realy thought he was just a cranky person maybe a little pissed off that he was doing something beneath his rank.
( It was at a military hospital ad for his rank he really should not have been doing pregnancy sonograms. They normally leave that up to the lower ranking airmen)
Little did I know that his noncomunacation stemed from what hewas seeing.
After 45mins he finally said his first words I need to check in and see what other pics the dr.wants go pee but dont leave the room.
I then asked then will we see what I am having?
He looked at me with a blank face and said oh sure.
That was the first time I had feeling something was wrong.
I looked at Annek and said somethings up.
The Tech came back in the room and I said why do you need more pix.
He said the DR. wanted more pix of the heart and feet.
When he said the DR. name I just thought he was being cautious.
Until he said I got all the pix and started to leave in a hurry.
I said aren't you going to tell me the sex.
He looked at me confused and said oh yeah sure hold on.
He placed the wand back on my belly and said stay right here in case the DR wants more pix.
I just looked at my friend and said something is really wrong.
I will never forget her words.
She said Jenn don't get up set all we know right now is that he is that hes a boy and he is special.
I calmed right down and said you are right.
The Tech came back in rushed me into another room and said the DR will be in to talk to you in a minute.
I broke down in tears sobbing. I told Anneke something is realy wrong
If something wasent really wrong they would wait until my next appointment to talk to me.
A million things went thru my head.
I settled on Downs syndrome I was sure that thats what he had.
When The DR. walked in I was relived to see it was a friend from church.
I then just blurted out whats wrong dose he have Downs?
When I looked the face of my friend I new it was something bad.
He then said Jennifer I am going to be very honest with you.
It doesnt look good his heart is in pretty bad shape.
He then explained about the different heart defects he had.
I said so he can have surgery .
He agreed with an if a big If.
If he dose not have the Chromosomal defect we think he might have.
My heart sunk because in that moment I new he had what ever the DR. was going to tell me.
He said we think he has Trisomy 18 I had never heard of it.
He then explained wat it was ad that it was fatal.
I was shocked.
Did he really just say my baby was gong to die.
I must have asked a million questions.
The DR. then asked me if he could call and tell his wife.
I could tell this was no easy task for him.
He just had to tell a friend her baby was very sick and that he probably would die.
I said of course tell your wife.
When the DRs. left I just cried and cried I looked at Anneke and said how the heck am going to tell Dale.
Dale was in Iraq serving in war zone.
I Still rember the disbelief in his voice when I told him about our boy.
He thought for sure I misunderstood.
I told him to call the DR.
When he did he told him the same stuff told him.
He then told the DRs he worked with and they said the would get back to him in a few hours and decide what to do.
15 minutes after Dale told Th DR. they told him he was going home.
He had a bigger battle to fight at home than he did in Iraq.
I think that's when it really settled in that it was real.
Dale was on the next flight home.
All this happened in one day.
August 25th 2005
A day that will forever be burned in my memory.
I rember talking with my best friend a few months prior on the anniversary of the day we found out her daughter had cancer.
She had made the comment of how the anniversary of the day she found out about the cancer was harder than the day she had surgery.
She then told me she had talked to another parent of a cancer survivor and he had said the same thing. Every year on the date they found out there daughter had cancer was hard.
The same is for me every year around this time I get weepy an agitated.
Even tho the big events of Williams life and death is 4 months away.
I think it is because it was the day the journey of knowing how to best love and care for William began.
I am so glad I took this journey and even tho the result was
letting  William go on to a new journey with out me it was all worth it.
I am so grateful William chose me to be his mother and that I was able to know him and love him thru his stay on earth.
I am also grateful for eternal families and the knowledge that I will be with my sweet William again.
Thanks to everyone walked with me thru Williams journey and continues to help me thru my journey of living on earth with out him.


Ter said...


We both have emotional anniversaries this week. It was a year ago this week that we found out my husband's cancer returned... for good. :(

I just finish writing a couple pre-scheduled posts that will come up later this week when I'm gone.

I'm sorry you have this horrible anniversary too. and even more sorry that you don't have your precious William with you.


this sucks. :(

shaina said...

That story now has much more meaning to me. Love you and little William.

Ann Marie said...

Tears and Hugs..
This breaks my heart..
I feel bad that we have to be tried and tested in this life. Some things just don't seem fair at all.. but I know one day we will all have a clear understanding of "WHY".

Hope your day is filled with comfort. Lots of people care about you-- and love you.. especially your little William. XO

Jill said...

Oh, Jen! I just love ya. Thanks for sharing this and hugs through the next few days.

Diane said...

i do love when you share about your angel William.

you are an amazing mom and, even though this is sad, i always feel happy in my heart that you know there is a plan, and that you will all be together again one day.


Yarni Gras! said...

you have a way of communicationg with those of us out here....to make us feel like we were with you, holding your hand. I know William is so proud you were his mother and the he was born into such a loving and eternal family. My heart goes out to you.

Lola....L..O..L..A....lo--oh--luh! said...

Big Hug.

Thanks for sharing that with us.

Troy and Rachel said...

This brought tears to my eyes. You are so strong and I am so glad they were able to fly your husband home from Iraq.

Holmes Home said...

Jennifer, you have always shown such strength and faith when it comes to William. It is an inspiration for me. He was such a beautiful baby boy and I have always loved his strong name.

Elizabeth said...

Oh Hun. You have me in tears. I was having a hard day, but nothing compared to you. I love you so much. I love how strong you are and I really love our eternal bond. I am thinking of you.

Elise said...

You brought me to tears. What an emotional day to never be forgotten!! Hugs!!! You have shown a lot of us how to be strong in adversity which definitely helped me when I was dealing with Matt's illness. Thank you for being an example and helping us all to know that we can get through our trials and still be fabulous. Love you.

Gamma Sharon said...

Oh Jen, I am so sorry for all that you had to go through... And you know I am sitting here in tears for that wonderful little boy who knew his Mom for just a short time... But our day will come when we can be with those beautiful babies again.
Just know that you are in my prayers... Love Ya, Sharon

gigi said...

Being reminded every year keeps him close to your heart. You'll never forget the sweet love and the eternal nature of your baby. This was so special and I'm glad you sheared it with us so freely.
Many blessiings.

In transition said...

You have such strength and courage and grace. William chose such a beautiful family. I truly treasure my memories of him.