Thursday, October 25, 2007

Deep thoughts Who is Jennifer...

I have been up since 2 am unable to get back to sleep. I have so many deep thoughts running trough my head. (It's all Dales fault. LOL) The other day we had this conversation about my blog. He was pointing out some of things I have written in my post To him in my perspective I seem a little shallow in the things I write ( shallow my words not his) So I reread some of my old post and yeah They are mostly about me and all my vanity. I thought is this a bad thing no not necessarily. I just think it is me being goofy. That's why I write this blog to share all the mundane silliness of my every day ordinary life. After all do I really want to expose my deep emotional feelings to the world? Heck No !!!! That would be way to uncomfortable to both me and the world. I like being the self centered fashion diva. After all when I play that role it hides the deep emotional pain that I carry in side.

I think about how much my life has changed in the last 2 years. I think often about the Jennifer I was before I lost William . I loved that girl so much and wish some times I was her again. My life was dang near perfect I had 7 beautiful healthy children a wonderful relationship with my husband I was spiritually in the right place I had great friends a great social life. The most important thing I new who I was.

Now here I am 2 years later trying to find who I am again ,Sometimes I think it is so unfair that I have to go true this journey again. I think for me and the people around me playing the sallow fashion girl is easier than dealing with all the pain I really feel in side, Any good therapist would see right true my insecurities and would say that girl has problems.

I think the point I am trying to make is I need to dig deep again and not be afraid to be who I am. I think I need to take down the walls I have built sense William had died . I need to have an emotional make over . I need to relies that I am different now and it's OK It's OK for me to be sad it's OK for me to be mad and it's even OK when I get depressed. I am not perfect I never was. I think now as I am writing this maybe my life was not as perfect as I thought it was 2 years ago maybe it was just that I was happier not having known such a sever loss. What is that saying ignorance is bliss . Well I am no longer ignorant But I believe I can find my bliss again.

After all I am so blessed I have 8 amazing children a wonderful husband and Best of all a good relation ship with my Heavenly Father.

So I guess if I really think about it I have every thing I had before I lost William . Other than I live her in Alaska and I had to start all over again finding my place in the world. HMMM self therapy maybe I feel so different because my whole world as I new it was taken away from me all at once. Hmm something to ponder.( This really is a revaluation and not me being silly)

My brain is filling a little lighter and so is my heart . Dale I want you Know when you read this that I am not sallow or vain that It is just a facade to hide my feeling Kinda like when you are sarcastic. (Remember Sallow Is my word) this is not to make you feel bad I was not mad at what you said and in fact I never gave it a moments thought until 2 am this morning. You just gave me a lot of food for thought. I want you to know I am grateful you said what you said and thanks saying it constructively instead of a destructively . I believe you said this because you wanted me to see how someone else reading this blog may view me that may not know who I really am.

So i guess this as good of place as any to end this entry so hopefully from now on I can be a little more open and a little less silly.

Hugs to all...


shaina said...

Beautiful Jennifer. I have never thought of you as shallow. You have the biggest heart in the world. I love you!

Wolf Queen said...

{{{Jen}}} I think that this blog is a place that you can have fun and show off your playful side. I enjoy reading it, your stories makes me smile, (and miss being around you.) Some people have blogs where they only vent, and then they have to worry that people will think they are negative pessimists even though they are not.
Traumatic life changes, can make a person struggle to find their footing and reevaluate their lives. I went through that when I lost my life as I knew it to infidelity and divorce. Not that it is the same kind of loss, I just mean that I think I get it at least a little bit.
Love you, and remember 2 am there is the middle of the day here if you need to call. xoxoxo

Ter said...

Jen, when I started my blog 'with an angel on my shoulder' I decided that it would be my "positive" blog. I do mention my daughter on occasion but this blog is not about my daughter. It's a place that forces me to look at other aspects of my life. I have my more "depressing" blogs at myspace or I will post on SHARE or in chats with other bereaved moms. But this blog is "the rest of my life" even though my daughter will make appearances now and then, like she did for Oct. 15th and most likely she will appear again for the upcoming EDD anniversary, because obviously, she is a big part of my life. However, I need to see that there is other aspects to my life, and that is what this blog is allowing me to do.

I think that it is good that you're exploring yourself from all angles, and trying to be the best Jennifer you can be. That's about all you can do. I think your husband pointed it out because he sees more of Jennifer than what you show in this blog.

I have never once thought of you as vain, nor shallow. I have seen your blogs here as quirky and your humorous side. I have seen the bereaved Jennifer at SHARE and I know that there is more to you than your fondness of fashion and scrapbooking. But then again there is more to you than the fact that you are a bereaved mom, and you DO have 7 beautiful live children that keep you on your toes every day and you deserve to be able to express the goodness of that part of your life as well. William is very important and he will always be a big part of you, but so are your other children and "the rest of Jennifer"

Hope all that made sense. Sorry for rambling but I just wanted you to know that in no way are you shallow or vain. :) ((HUGS))

Kimberlee said...

We all have to find that balance. Our life now as a bereaved parent. Who we use to be, and who we want to become.

For awhile I had two blogs. A place to talk about Indigo and a place to be happy. To me, it felt like a farce. But I was doing it FOR other people. Not for myself. I was putting on two faces. So, I combined them. But we all need to do what works for us.

Gabrielle Beck said...

Jen...I am so sorry for your loss!

Remember, God took William because he needed him. You will see him again!

I can't imagine your pain and constant everyday life with the loss of a child.


Shea said...

I felt like I could have written that post (except for the 8 children!LOL!) myself. I don't dig deep a lot on my blog either mainly because I don't think people really want to hear what I really think or maybe I just don't want people to know. Life sure did turn out differently than I expected.

Shea said...

Oh and while I don't make a lot of comments, I do read and I never thought of you as shallow. I love clothes so I just thought of you as a kindred spirit.