Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tis the season to remember..

If you have read my blog from the beginning or just started most of you know that this is a hard time of year for me.
I have to say I have been doing very good this year not to fall apart or be overly sad.
In fact I feel darn right happy this season.
Everyday I feel more and more like my old self just slightly improved.
I am loving the feeling of being my old self again.
It has been alowing me too do so much more.

Six days from today will be Williams birthday.
It is almost strange for me to think that I would have a 4 year old running around right now.
So this morning I went down memory lane not intentionally it just happened.
It was hard memory that I just plain blocked out.
I was talking to my daughter, she was telling me about going with her boyfriend to pick up a deceased body from a residents.( Her boyfriend works at a funeral home and drives the Hurst)
I asked her if it was weird and she said no it's not like I went in and saw the body or anything.
She then said it just showed her how thoughtful and sensitive he was he took the time to carefully talk to the grieving family.
I then started talking about the day William had died and about how hard it was for me to let William go in the Hurst.
I remember them putting him on to the gurney thinking he was going to fall off if he hit a corner.
I asked if they were going to seat belt him in he gently held my hand and asked me if I wanted to seat belt him in.
I remember asking if I should get his car seat he said if you would like you can.
I decided I was being silly and that it would fine to just seat belt him in.
But I was grateful that Tim the funeral home director was so caring and thoughtful towards my feeling.
It was truly one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I could not believe that I was going to give my baby to a stranger.
I still couldnt believe he was gone.
It was so hard to walk back in the house with out him in my arms.
I remember just how it felt, the only word I can think to describe the feeling is EMTY.
Even though my house was filled with friends and family it still felt empty.
It was a hard sad day.



Diane said...

jen - you really do sound happy this season. it's a sad time yes, but you are taking the time to be happy with what life holds for you right now, with your other children and your husband. william would want his mommy to be happy.

i hope i can help families the way you were helped by Tim when/if i ever finish school.

Ter said...


Elizabeth said...

You are such an amazing women. I love you. You may already know, but you are always on my mind a lot every December. I love that we have that bond. Thank you for sharing another William story. You help me feel closer to you and I love to know him a little too.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are doing well. And getting into more fun this year and celebrate the lives of the children you have around you every day. You will never forget William, he is real. Hugs to all the kids.

Elise said...

You are so strong!! I am glad you are healing and feeling happier this year. You are an inspiration to anyone that has dealt with or are dealing with something traumatic - your strength definitely helps me. I think of little William every year on his birthday since he and Alan share the same birthday. Hugs from CA. Love you.

Yarni Gras! said...

I can't imagine how difficult that was for you. My g'mother, Peppy worked at a funeral home for years (she passed in the early 80's.)
She was a quiet, thoughtful and empathetic woman. I think if the gentleman who took William away was anything like her, he was well cared for.