Yesterday as i was in my room Ben brings me what he thought to be a Jesus book to read. When I looked at what he was holding I just smiled it was my journal . It was not my regular Journal it was the journal that I keep close to my heart one I don't share with others it was my William journal. The one I wrote while William was alive and the one I cling-ed to after William died. After trying to explain to Ben that it was just some writing I had done. He persisted in getting me to read it. So I did I opened the first page that was written and found that it was dated the day before William was born. I must have written it late in the hospital before I fell asleep. I was in Awe at the convections of my words and the as-surety that William would be born alive and that I would have time to get to know him. I read a few more pages and had to quit . The raw emotions i wrote with were a little over whelming to read so I put the journal down. Curiosity was getting the best of me so I decided to get out my regular journal and started flipping threw the pages. I got to the page dated July 25 2oo5 in the head line I had written strange pregnancy dream. So I read on It was all about a dream i had had early in the morning . I am going to back up a moment . People always ask me if I had any warning any inkling that something was wrong with William. I would always say no and then say I had a dream once before I learned that he had Trisomy 18 that he had a birth defect. The thing is I never gave this dream any thought I just figured it was a silly pregnancy dream even when we found out I never gave the dream a moments thought. Here is what I had dreamed according my journal. This morning I had the craziest dream I dreamed that I was getting a sonogram and that the doctors saw something wrong with the baby. After the sonogram They took me in a room and told me had had a heart defect and that if he made it threw birth He would need a heart trance plant. I then was in the hospital waiting to give birth and waiting for another baby to die in order to save my baby's life. All the sudden the doctor came in said it is time there had just been a baby born with severe brain damage from lack of oxygen and the baby would always be in the vegetable state so the parents chose to give the heart of there baby to mine so that he would have a chance at life. I then gave birth only to have him rushed of to surgery. I then had my sweet baby in my arms I rember filling overwhelmed with gratitude that this mother was so willing to give my baby her baby's heart. Then I was at church and every one was ohhing and awing over the baby and I noticed my friend who was also pregnant with me sad and that tears were streaming down her face. I then asked her what was wrong and where was her baby. She then gestured to my sweet baby and said her heart lies with in your baby's chest. i was taken back by her words and the realisation as to what this meant. She sliped 0her arms around me and whispered that it was ok and that she was glad that her child could live threw mine. That was the end of the dream. I am still a little shaken by what I just dremept. Yet I feel peace that all will be OK. I think if this dream was true that this friend of mine would do exactly what I dreamed. Yet I would never wish the burden of losing one's child. I would rather that my child would die than for her to have this burden upon her. It's just a silly Pregnancy with no real meaning any way. We are both going to have happy healthy babies that will grow up and be best friends.
That was my dream I have to tell you that I don't remember hardly any of that dream. As I read back upon it I wonder if that dream had any real meaning or if it was just a dream. I then reflect on the words that I wrote " It was just a dream we will both have healthy happy baby's that will grow up and be best friends." Well we know my ending my baby was not healthy yet he was very happy and such a joy to our family. Yet I cant help but to think that these 2 babies weren't best friends. I rember holding this sweet little baby girl just hours after she was born and feeling a very special bond. I was still pregnant with William and he was kicking me as I held her I could fill his joying in knowing that is friend was here on earth. I am sadden that we never got a picture of the 2 of them and that they never really got to be together here on earth. I cant help but wonder what things they would have discussed. It still gives me joy as I watch threw pictures as this little girl grows and blossoms into the sweet girl that she has become.
So now as I end this post I am going to put in a plug for journal writing. It is so important to do. We always think we will rember every thing but as i stated in this post you cant. It was so nice for me to be able to sit down and read a part of my life that was such a significant part of who I am today. As I read The story of Williams birth again it was like being there all over again. It is so nice to have those memories written down. I even started to read a little bit on the dark place I went after William died and was glad that I had written that down as well. It's nice to look back and see that I am progressing and becoming a better person and that I have come so far from those fist awful steps of grief that was necessary to go threw in order to heal.
My question of the day? Are you a journal writer?
12 comments:
Jen, you are just awesome! What a special and personal instant you documented for yourself and your family. Thank you for sharing it with me. I'm a terrible journal keeper. I wish I were better...I just don't know how to make the time.
Oh Jen, I just have so much respect for you. I sit her crying, not even able to comprehend the pain that you have gone through. Your William was so blessed to have had you and your family for the time that he did. (((hugs)))
Nope, I don't keep a journal anymore. I really should though.
I love you. It's not just William that she has a special bond with. It's you too.
Such an emotional touching post. Hugs from CA for you! You have been through so much and yet have such a positive view on life. Love ya.
Wow is all I Can say. I can't even imagine. Thank you for sharingt this with us, it was really touching. You are amazing! No I'm not a journal keeper, I have one journal completely finished. I started it when I was 16 and finished it when I was about 19 or 20. I really should start one again though! =)
You are so awesome to share such precious memories and stories! Thank you.
I have never been a steady journal keeper. My blog is the longest I've ever kept up with any kind of normal day to day record. I had silly teenage journals when I was a teenager, but I destroyed them all out of embarassment as I got older. :]
Oh Jen, my heart goes out to you. Your William was a lucky boy to have you as his Mom. You are an incredible woman. If I could reach you I would give you a big hug...
I don't keep a journal either. I think you just convinced me to do so though
Oh gosh Jenn, I am in tears reading your post. You have lived every mother's worst nightmare, and I am in awe of your strength and your perspective. You have totally inspired me to keep a journal - I guess I have used scrapping to some extent as my journal, but I would like to write more then I do. Many many hugs and prayers to you. Thank you for sharing your difficult journey with us.
I've never been consistant at keeping a journal, I usually only last a few weeks at a time or maybe a month. A year will go by and I'll pick back up only to quit again. I need to do better.
My blog is a good general stand in though, I was rereading entries from last year to refresh my memory on what I used to put in Hannah's lunches and was laughing at pictures of how little Mr. Murf puppy used to be.
Jenn, I am still wiping tears from my face. I haven't been a journal writer. But I'll try to start. Your words are very compelling. You are a most generous and giving person to be able to share such personal grief AND triumph with us. You aren't in the 'dark' place anymore. Your posts always shine with your light through them. William knew that light...he was a very lucky angel.
I have, many times, started a journal. But then I either stop because I hate my writing... I find myself complaining too much... I have nothing to say...
I wrote a journal when I was pregnant with my daughter... but it stops short just a couple days before she died.... It took me a long time to look at it again... I recently looked at it and it made me cry so hard... I can't bear to read it...
I think it is wonderful that you are able to write out your feelings... and look back at it without regret for writing it out.
Jen, the loss of a child is something no parent should have to go through...I am glad that the journal is a help to you and that you are able to share your thoughts with us :) (((hugs)))
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