Wednesday, September 19, 2007

WARNING!!!! (real feeling exposed)

OK so I am in a little bit of a pissy mood(oops i said a naughty word)

The last 8 months have been great I have had no depression and very little grief and then BOOM like a bomb they come exploding into my life ONCE AGAIN...


I have am amazingly full life I have 7 great kids and a wonderful husband they love me they make me laugh we truly have fun as a family. There is just one important person missing in our family. (William)

I miss him so much and it has gotten worse lately, I don't know if it's this time of year or what.

It just seems like every thing is setting me off and then I start crying. I HATE IT!!! Some days i just wish I had my normal Innocent life back but then reality kicks in and I know that if I did that would mean I would have never known William. That would be a true tragedy..

I just want to hold him again I want to smell his sweet smell and gaze into his eyes once more.

I know I will see him again I just wish it could be now.

I just don't think people understand that when a women looses a child, She doesn't just loose a child she looses much more. She loose part of who she was . Life is no longer the same something inside of you just changes. You can no longer look at the way it was before little things that you use to enjoy are like eating bugs (not enjoyable). The things I use to love hurt . The sound and some times the sight of a newborn no longer brings the joy it once did . I feel like I have to put up a wall so I don't feel feelings of loss and jealousy when I go and visit a friend with a new baby.. So instead of the joy of seeing that sweet spirit I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I Hate It!!!

The worse part is the jealousy of others having what you want. Who wants to be jealous of someone else having a baby. Do you know how that makes some one feel . Well I will tell you it sucks it makes you feel lower than scum....

I don't feel like this all the time... It's just times like this when I am feeling down suck...

So lets all just pray that tomorrow will bring a brighter day!!!

I post pix of all my liveing children so why not post one of William I love this pic of William (Thanks Andie)


Ter said...


There are no magical words... just... "I understand" and "I care"


Jen Sue Wild said...

Teri I know you can relate Thanks for being there for me..

Wolf Queen said...

I still think of him everytime the rain stops and a ray of sunshine peeks through the clouds.
Love you,

shaina said...

Jennifer. You have a right to feel the way you do. Don't apologize for it. It is very hard. Many people don't understand. But we all are understanding.
Everyone is here for you. If you feel like being pissy, then so be it. This time of year, especially, is hard. So yell, cry, cuss, do whatever you need to do to get the pent up emotions out. We all love you whether you are crying or not.

Kimberlee said...


William is beautiful. I will think of him and you today.

Missing Indigo has been biting me hard again this week, and I just figured out yesterday that it was one of the things really bothering me.

Scrapbookmama said...

I just found your blog and when I read what you wrote it was like YES so that is what it is!!! I lost my Pretty Girl Anjelique to SIDS 2 yrs. ago and although I am also a very happy and so blessed mama and wife there are those moments that I stop and say I want to hold my Princess. God Bless you and your beautiful family.